there is a light
i�m in the middle of an assignment. taking a break. it is only because of the boy�s help/support that i am doing it at all. instead i would be sitting on the couch watching the arias, with thoughts in the back of my head somewhere that maybe i have an assignment due tomorrow. i don�t care about australian occupational health and safety laws, and you care even less about it. but for tonight, OHS is my bitch.
i had a little bit of an emotional breakdown yesterday. the whole day, i couldn�t make decisions and everything seemed to go wrong. then i got to work at 4, and found out that one of my dear, dear friends is in hospital. on my first break i called him to see what was up. i spoke to his mum, and even though she seemed not worried, it really fucked me up. i started crying at my desk and asked to go home.
instead i didn�t go home. i cried some more in the carpark, and then i headed up to the north shore to see my boy and meet some of his friends who were up from the weekend from wodonga. except i couldn�t stop crying. i tried to hide it and was unsuccessful. after midnight, instead of watching rage, we lied on his bed and he wiped away my tears and didn�t stress when i couldn�t tell him what was wrong. mainly because i wasn�t sure myself.
today we lied around in bed, and then went to the beach to eat fish and chips and squash blue bottles. it was nice, and calm, and just what i needed.
the issue of me moving in with him has come up lately. and i keep thinking about it. i want to do it. and it�s not so much about spending more time with him, although that would be super nice, it�s more the location in which he lives is so convenient, much more cosmopolitan than the outer south west and so much closer than work.
but im worried about money. i am saving lots by living at home, and im worried greatly that the money i am now saving, i would have to use on bills. basically, if i move in with the apple boy, and don�t find a better paying job, the european adventure gets put back for another year.
however, more and more, i am feeling the need to get out and do things by myself. it was this yearn that saw me spend three years in a small country town. i want to own things like furniture, and be grown up and house proud.
but for now, i have to continue this assignment.
17/10/2004 22:21